What's a Glurb?

The wisdom of children.

A FEW WEEKS AGO I did a post that included a piece for children called “The Upside-Down Cake.” Owing to the flood of requests I’ve received for more such content, I hereby introduce you to “The Glurb.” (Note: 1 or 2 requests = a stream. 3+ = a flood.)

The Glurb

It started as a tiny dot

No bigger than a speck of snot

Where it came from I know not

No harm in saying hello, I thought

Hi! he peeped, to my surprise

You look so very kind and wise

I see it in those friendly eyes

Let’s have some fun and eat some fries

Since it was almost time for bed

I knew I’d better keep my head

I’ve got a cool idea, I said

We’ll hang out in my room instead

I hid him in my messy hair

Snuck him up the kitchen stairs

Plunked him on my beanbag chair

He’d grown at least a foot, I swear!

You’ve grown, I said. You grow so fast!

I know I do, I get quite vast

Who cares, he said, we’ll have a blast

We’ll scratch the walls and cut our hair

And throw the crayons everywhere

We’ll build a fort beside the chair

And raise a flag of underwear

After that we’ll fight a bear

You’re Marcel and I’m Pierre. . .

Wait, I said, you kind of stink

We’d better go wash up, I think

I took him to the bathroom sink

To wash his face and get a drink

Alarmed, I saw his cheeks turn pink

And tears run down with every blink

Oh dear, I said, I feel so sad

I’ve made you cry, I really have

Did I do something awfully bad

To make you feel so very sad?

No, it’s not that kind of pain

It’s fear of running down the drain

I melt in water, he explained

Please don’t get me wet again

We tiptoed back across the hall

The Glurb had grown strangely tall

He tried my jammies, tried them all

But all my jams were way too small

Oh no, he said, I’ve grown some more

Being a Glurb is such a bore!

I should have said goodbye before

Now I won’t fit through the door

I read the Glurb a funny book

About a dog who liked to cook

Now and then I snuck a look

The Glurb’s humongous body shook

Then I heard Mom on the stair

Hide! I said. The Glurb said, Where?

Up here! Oh, dear! Hide anywhere!

Yoo-hoo, Mom called, are you in there?

Turn out the light! Pretend to sleep!

With that the Glurb began to weep

I can’t! he wailed, a sobbing heap

Then hide! And not another peep!

Before the Glurb could find a spot

Mom was at the door and knocked

I tried to block her but could not

She entered and went into shock

Good grief! she cried. Is that a Glurb?

They’re dangerous, or so I’ve heard!

Desperate, mother grabbed a broom

I turned and felt a sense of doom

The Glurb now filled up half the room. . .

Run! said mother. Run away!

He’ll smother you! Do not delay!

The monster’s back! You mustn’t stay!

Down the kitchen stairs I ran

Fast as fast as scared legs can

I couldn’t think of any plan

Then Dad caught me –  Help! I began. . .

The Glurb? he smiled. Come sleep with us

It’s much too late for all this fuss

The Glurb again? That rotten cuss?

This is something we’ll discuss

I pulled the quilt up to my chin

Shivering at the thought of him

Happy to be snuggled in. . .

Dad put a pillow behind my head

And went to make me jam and bread

But sometime in the night instead

He put me back in my own bed

Sunbeams woke me up at dawn

I pulled my pants and T-shirt on

Even though the blind was drawn

I knew the giant Glurb was gone

That’s the thing about Glurbs, you see

They grow much bigger than you or me

Bigger than the oldest tree

The biggest ship on the deepest sea

Bigger than mountains, bigger than Mars

Bigger than a million candy bars. . .

They cause grownups an awful fright

By scaring children late at night

They twist and warp, they’re awfully queer

Like faces in a funhouse mirror

That make you cry and shake in fear. . .

Then, in the first light of day

Just when you think they’re here to stay

To torment you in every way. . .

They disappear!

WHEN MY DAUGHTER was little, I read this story to her class at school. Afterwards, the teacher instructed everyone to draw a picture of the Glurb, and asked them: “What is a Glurb, anyway?”

Hands shot up. One girl said, “A bad guy.” Another said, “It’s like a cat that’s fat and goes under your bed.” My favourite answer came from an older, cynical, cold-hearted kid at another school, who said, “It isn’t anything. He just made it up.”

To introduce kids to the elements of storytelling, I ask younger ones who the main character is. Who are the secondary characters? Where does the action take place? What was the beginning, middle, and end of the story? Was anything really scary? Did it have a happy ending?

With an older class, I ask what choices the speaker makes along the way. What changed from the start of the story to the end? How many characters are there in the story? If you could be one of those characters, which one would you be?

Most kids said, “The Glurb!”

Kids rule.

P.S. Best free entertainment of the week: People trying to photograph mirrors they post for sale on Facebook Marketplace:

https://www.reddit.com/r/PeopleSellingMirrors/