If life were like the movies. . .

You wouldn't get hurt crashing through a plate-glass window.

Let’s have some fun this week. . .

I wrote not long ago about being on the set of a movie based on a book I’d written. Such privileged access isn’t as common as you might think. There are good reasons why film directors don’t want writers of original material in the vicinity—they’re too likely to blurt, “No, he never would have said that!” or, “Wait, that wasn’t her style at all.” I restrained myself on the set of Owning Mahowny, although I’ll admit I did fantasize that the director, Richard Kwietniowski, might seek me out and ask what I thought about this or that scene.

Uh, no. That’s not how it works. When a movie company buys rights to your book, they buy the right to do whatever the hell they want with it. You’ve sold them your painstakingly baked loaf of whole-grain bread, and they can pretend it’s dark rye, or make French toast with it, or turn it into panko. They don’t care what it used to be. Film has its own demands and conventions. An opening credit never says A TRUE STORY, as my book Stung recounted. Instead, it says BASED ON A TRUE STORY, or INSPIRED BY A TRUE STORY. It’s your book, but it’s their movie.

Sci-fi and animated and superhero films demand total suspension of disbelief, obviously. But even a realistic, relatively faithful film like Owning Mahowny drifts a very long way from its real-life moorings, as the screenplay goes through multiple rewrites, sometimes over years. Besides, movie-making requires actors to locate their characters in a realm that seems natural and real, but is actually just the opposite. How directors and cinematographers achieve this trompe l’oeil is one of the marvels of cinema.

On set, you see how artfully movies are built of smoke and mirrors. Locations, sets, costumes, the acting itself—everything is a bit off. A supporting actress’s symmetrical, clear-skinned face is ravishing in closeup; it seems far less so between takes as part of a big head atop a short, chunky body. Scenes gets shot in dim lighting so that backgrounds don’t have to be fussed over. A table lamp gets positioned in three different places so that it appears to be in the same place from each camera angle.

At one point in Owning Mahowny, Philip Seymour Hoffman (as Dan Mahowny) looks at his office phone receiver for three beats before hanging up. Have you ever once looked at a phone receiver before hanging up? Of course not. And yet it seems normal in the movies. Sustained eye contact, physical quirks, pauses before speech, signs of intoxication—all the things that seem unnatural as they’re being filmed—appear perfectly apt in the self-contained world on screen.

Once I started taking note of such little oddities during the filming of Owning Mahowny, I couldn’t help noticing them in every movie and show that I watched. To this day I keep a keen eye out for quirks and conventions that are common in movies but totally unrealistic in life.

Here are some things that movie characters do, but actual people don’t:

Order a beer without specifying a brand.

Get instantly dry after being soaking wet.

Sit in the middle back seat of cars with no middle back seat.

Race recklessly the wrong way through narrow, cobblestone streets without crashing into anything except a fruit stand.

Kill people with no concern for consequences.

Break into dance routines without practicing.

Use a flashlight to inspect dark places, rather than turning on the lights.

Describe their evil plans to someone they’re just about to murder.

Find torches that never run out of fuel on deserted islands.

Hack into complex computer systems in seconds.

Wear clothes while having sex in bed.

Wake up with perfect hair and makeup.

Get beaten up without showing pain, then wince in pain when a woman cleans their wounds.

Hide in a parade without being noticed.

Eat Chinese takeout with chopsticks whenever they move in or out.

Jump from great heights into water without getting hurt.

Break or hack into highly secure facilities.

Get tons of information in a few seconds on the phone.

Use three sides of a four-sided table, even if there are four or five people.

Deliver romantic speeches overheard by strangers, who applaud and cheer at the end.

Leave vehicles unlocked, keys in ignition, so anyone can jump in and drive off.

Find a parking spot right at their destination.

Break down or assemble any firearm.

Offer witty retorts in life-threatening situations.

Gaze interminably at their passenger while driving.

Emerge uninjured after falling through plate-glass windows.

Then there are the things that people do, but movie characters never do:

Say goodbye before hanging up.

Swallow after taking a sip of tea or a swig of beer.

Pant and sweat profusely after running someone down.

Fumble their words during heartfelt conversations (Hugh Grant excepted).

Blink during heartfelt conversations (Hugh Grant excepted).

Miss the wastebasket with crumpled paper.

Charge their electronic devices.

Chew a tiny bit of food interminably.

Back into parking spots.

Use a credit card to pay a bar bill.

Look back over their shoulder, terrified, when a bomb explodes behind them.

Finally, here are some things that Martians would conclude about life on Earth if they gained their understanding solely from watching movies.

Rubber tires squeal on any surface, including dirt roads.

Every vehicle in a dusty little town has just come from the car wash.

Vehicles burst into flames on impact.

Bullets create sparks when they hit any surface.

Computers blink and beep loudly during data transfers.

Computer systems of evil villains include a big red button.

Elevators open instantly, or else take forever to descend a couple of floors.

Females held hostage for weeks don’t get hairy legs or underarms.

Anybody can land an airplane, as long as the control tower coaches them.

All dogs point out bad guys by barking at them.

Newspapers only run headlines relevant to the characters.

Important news appears the moment any TV is switched on.

Humans hiding underwater can hold their breath for a very long time.

Video calls have perfect visual and audio quality.

“Ugly duckling" women are actually stunningly attractive.

Every spinster has at least one cat.

Nasty villains keep exotic and dangerous pets.

You can live in a cool Manhattan loft on a shop-girl’s wage.

Taxis in any city appear the moment you step outside.

Now, what have I missed?

What else would Martians conclude about human behaviour and the laws of physics? What else happens only in the movies? And what happens routinely in everyday life that never gets shown in the movies? Let me know in the comments.

I’ll sign off here, because I don’t want to be late for my rendezvous with an Eastern European arms dealer. We’ve arranged to meet at midnight in the exact centre of a big, empty lot at an abandoned factory and park diagonally, facing opposite directions, so that we can talk out the driver-side windows. Makes for a sweet drone shot!